the golden bachelor: episode two recap.
After meeting all of the women vying for geriatric love last week, episode two starts off showing us that Nancy (who I honestly didn’t remember and had to wait until later in the episode to fill her name in) will be having a panic attack at some point in the day and honestly, I can relate. I, too, start every day knowing there will likely be a panic attack at some point. Like last week, I hope there’s an EMT nearby.
After she catches her breath, we think, the women are officially introduced to the mansion and I’ll admit I haven’t watched the franchise since Nick’s 15th season on the show, but there has been some major redecorating done and honestly, my dreams of this season being hosted at a nursing home is kind of happening. Those retro plastic apples on an antique tiered platter are really catering to the current tenants.
As they make their way to their rooms, we learn that they will be sharing bunk beds. “Is this safe?” I wonder out loud. And, my girl Sandra (who meditates by cussing while exhaling), hears me, because she shares that the several hip and knee surgeries she’s had won’t allow for her to climb up to the top bunk every night. Not a joke, that really happened.
While they’re trying to figure out how bunk beds work as grown ass women, they talk about who gets up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and someone says they have to or they’ll wet the bed. I mean, as one does after the age of 65 I suppose.
Finally, it’s time for a 6:23am mimosa and Leslie (the hot one who claims to have dated Prince) offers a cheer’s to the rest of the group with, “TO SOCIAL SECURITY” and I laugh out loud. Prince probably loved her sense of humor.
Whoever this host is ruins my good mood simply by entering the room. He delivers the date card and these ladies don’t know what it is. Honestly, I have to admit, I am fucking loving this Golden season and I kinda want to be old(er). Mostly because I am impressed with the jewelry these women are wearing.
The first one-on-one date card reads, “Theresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight), you’re never too old to find love again, Gerry” and I hope her attempts as being sexy don’t include us seeing her in only her nude Spanx again.
Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) pulls up in a hot rod (I think that’s what they’re called. I’d probably call it a vintage car but hot rod seems more appropriate for the purposes of snarking on this show) and I can’t lie, he looks hot AF. He’s well dressed, wearing the right color for his bangin’ eyes and his white sneaker game is strong. I think I might be in love. Gerry, ask your granddaughter to borrow her cellphone, find me on social media and slide in… to my DM’s. For now.
Susan (the Vegas call girl that looks like a Vegas call girl version of Kris Jenner) is curling Theresa’s (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight) hair for her date and I’m shocked that anyone would trust Susan (the Vegas call girl that looks like a Vegas call girl version of Kris Jenner) with a hot iron next to their face. The glamming goes to waste quickly when Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) and his hot rod decide to drive with the top down on the 101. If you’re not familiar with driving in Los Angeles, it’s not fun and it’s not for the unexperienced or weak of heart. Both of which Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) are.
The decision for him to drive from Malibu to the valley, at night, in a car without working headlights as his first time driving on the freeway in LA is quite frankly the worst decision he’s ever made. And, like, he made the decision to try and find senior citizen love on national TV, so that says something.
When they finally arrive at their date spot, we learn it’s Cadillac Jacks, an old-school diner typically used for movies (I mean, why wouldn’t it be?), neon lights and all. Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) claims that this brings him back to when he was young and working in a diner himself. Honestly, thinking about diners in Indiana 60 years ago is probably going to send me into some deep layers of the Internet later.
When they sit down to order, he asks the waitress for fries and a shake. We see it immediately by her reaction that Theresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight) hasn’t had dairy or carbs in at least 50 years. I feel for the other women that have to share a bathroom with her later tonight.
Theresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight), starts the conversation by walking Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) through her husband’s death and how it felt to watch him take his last breath. Yes, I choked up again. Reminder — I’m not that terrible.
The camera is weirdly angling itself to focus on Gerry’s (lol, of course that’s his name) hearing aids, so I can only assume (see also: I’ve watched so many episodes of this franchise, I know what’s going to happen) that these aids will be a conversation at some point.
We hear “Don’t Stop Believing” start to play on the jukebox and, like, get it? “Don’t stop believing” because they’re old and single but there’s still a chance now that ABC is here to help.
Naturally, this song causes everyone in the diner to get up and dance. Even the waitresses are dancing on the countertops! I’m sure this happens all of the time. What a fun diner.
Like any night at ‘ol Cadillac Jacks, the entire restaurant – patrons and all – take their dance moves outside for what Theresa calls a “flash mob” and, you guessed it, both Gerry and Theresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight) allude to how happy they are that they “didn’t stop believing”. Dumb.
In front of a group of strangers, the diner “staff” and all of production, Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) offers Theresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight) the first one-on-one date rose and she reacts like she just found out that AARP offers a discount on Chanel No. 5. In bulk. For a second I think she might pass out, so I hope that EMT was a part of the flash mob.
The next day, we are back in the ‘bu and while Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) waits for the group date ladies to arrive, he’s “posing” for photos. And I’m very uncomfortable watching this.
The wonderful and friendly face of franchise photographer, Franco, is here and for a moment, all is right in typical bachelor group date land.
We learn that today’s date involves the ladies choosing an outfit to wear while they pose in groups with Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) for photos that will obviously be used on the cover of a romance novel. Obviously.
Leslie (the hot one who claims to have dated Prince) is mad because she really wanted to wear clothes from the 70’s but Natascha (yes, that’s how you spell it) beat her to it, so she has to wear a short skirt and leather jacket. Ugh. The struggle of wearing a short skirt when you’re a trainer and have hot legs.
Having chosen a wedding dress to wear for this cover shoot, Nancy (whose name I didn’t know until right now) starts crying, noting that she hasn’t been in a wedding dress since her wedding. Which from what I understand about being a bride (not much, let’s be real) is usually how it goes. Unless you’re Leslie Mann in “The Other Woman”, pissed at your husband and re-wearing said dress while drinking straight from the bottle, I suppose.
After the shoot, Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) seeks out Nancy (whose name I didn’t know until five minutes ago) to ask if something is wrong because he was feeling a “disconnect” around her. I’m not totally sure how you can feel connected to someone after 42.3 hours of knowing them, but I’m also the one sitting at home alone writing recaps about bad TV shows.
Nancy (whose name I didn’t know until seven minutes ago) shares her feelings about wearing a wedding dress and Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) comforts her with his own story of missing his wife after the smell of cinnamon overwhelmed him. And yes, I choked up. Again, I’m not that terrible.
I’m distracted for a minute because I’m pretty sure Kathy is actually Caitlyn Jenner. I think she says something about still “looking good” at 100 and I’m wondering if she has been checked for cataracts.
Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) awkwardly tells Leslie (the hot one who claims to have dated Prince) that she’s sexy and I could joke about this, but he’s not wrong. She’s actually really hot. Then my man Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) tells the joke for me when he says that she must “have a soft and gooey inside”.
Leslie (the hot one who claims to have dated Prince) tells Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) “if you ever want to speak sweet nothings into my ear, I will be able to hear you” and then shows him her two hearing aids. I mean, who isn’t turned on by this? Like, other than me.
This excites Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) because, you guessed it, he has them too! **Proudly pats myself on the back because I called that his aids would become a topic later in the show**
Ultimately, Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) gives the group date rose to Nancy (whose name I didn’t know until seventeen minutes ago) proving that sad stories are gold (haha, get it?) on this franchise, despite the age of the contestants. I have yet to gather any experimental data on this, but perhaps sobbing in a wedding dress is generally an effective tactic for getting what one wants in life.
She accepts and when they hug I see she’s wearing a Cartier Love Bracelet. I told you, the jewelry on these ladies is on point.
The next morning Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) tells us it’s his birthday and I hope there’s a stripper. He’s wearing yellow today and a man that can pull off yellow like this silver fox is hot. I am falling harder for Gerry.
When Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) finds his way to the back yard of the mansion, he learns that there’s a surprise party waiting for him. Susan (the Vegas call girl that looks like a Vegas call girl version of Kris Jenner) jumps out of a cake, proving my theory that she took the red-eve from Vegas just two nights earlier. She takes him aside but I already forgot what they talked about.
Each woman then tries to “be memorable” in their short conversations at his birthday party but the only one that was actually any sort of memorable is with Ellen (Adderall script stealer). He brings her a wrapped gift, on HIS birthday, and it is a beautifully framed photo from their romance novel cover shoot. With this gesture, I’m convinced I should start dating men in their 70’s. My dad isn’t even 70 but I think I should still go for it. Sorry dad.
We are already at the elimination ceremony and this one-hour format is so amazing. Another reason I’m going for silver foxes moving forward. Earlier bed time.
ROSE CEREMONY
Gerry offers roses to:
Leslie (the hot one who claims to have dated Prince)
Joan (who looks like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds)
Edith (who told a sex joke right out of the limo)
Ellen (Adderall script stealer)
Sandra (who meditates by cussing while exhaling)
Susan (the Vegas call girl that looks like a Vegas call girl version of Kris Jenner)
Christina (literally no recollection of this woman)
Faith (the one that rode in on a hog)
April (who slapped her own ass)
Kathy (who is probably actually Caitlyn Jenner)
Nancy (whose name I didn’t know until 48 minutes ago) has a rose from the group date
Theresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight) has a rose from the one-on-one date
Now he’s crying. Like, full tears. He tells us it’s because hurting three women that are ‘good friends’ (what?!) of his is “sombering” (which isn’t a word) and he doesn’t like doing it.
ELIMINATED
Natascha (yes that’s how you spell it)
Peggy (the only thing I recall about her is that she is 69)
Jeanie (who on her way out, says that she feels refreshed to know that there are still nice guys out there. LOL, Jeanie. L.O.L.)