the golden bachelor: episode one recap.
Well, here we are again. I honestly couldn’t help myself. Since I’m basically in the same age bracket as these geriatrics (is that word offensive?) that are looking for love from a silver fox on national TV, it only felt right to dust off the old quill pen, to bring back the recaps. We’ll see how this goes. God bless.
Regardless of the suitors’ age it seems, the premiere episode is when we are lucky enough to meet the contestants. This season, I can’t help but hope one of them has like a walker or a wheelchair or dentures or just something cliché that we’re not supposed to laugh at, but do. Because it’s amazing. It’s like adult braces or someone with a lisp. I crave it.
First, we meet the bachelor himself. Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name), a, wait for it…retired 104 (71) year old former restauranteur (no idea what that means). He is getting ready to meet the ladies vying to be his next wife, while standing next to a framed glamour shot of his first wife as we watch him cry through how and when (hospital visit and July 7, 2017) she passed away.
Yes, I feel like an asshole making fun of this now. Not a complete asshole because I did choke up a bit, but an asshole nonetheless.
That said, we’re back at the mansion (it’s been a minute for me!), and I laugh because it would be hilarious if they were at a nursing home instead. I haven’t watched this show in like 10+ seasons, but nothing has changed. Well, except the age of those participating. Do you think the dates will be the same as other seasons? Like, will they go sky-diving and play flag football? I’m not trying to be rude (again) but, seriously. I have so many questions.
The host joins Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) and I have absolutely no clue who he is, but I hate him. Like, I had a visceral reaction the second I saw him on my screen. I’ll Google him later. Maybe.
Here comes the hearse, errr, limo and we hear one of the women say, “my heart is beating so fast” which makes me nervous. I hope there’s an EMT on set.
The first fox to meet Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name), is Edith (60) who is wearing a gold lame (I Googled the spelling of this fabric to be sure it was correct, and yes, the fabric is spelled this way. I’m not calling her dress lame, though I probably could) gown. She has confetti poppers for both her and Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) and when they shoot the confetti she says, “we started it with a bang” which, ew but also, well played.
Ellen (71), who definitely stole her grandkids Adderall script before traveling to Malibu immediately yells, “Roberta! We made it!” So, naturally Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name), asks, “Who is Roberta?” Well, Roberta is Ellen’s (Adderall script stealer) friend that has cancer and really wanted to see Ellen (Adderall script stealer) fall in love again. I think if my friends encouraged me to go on this show it would be to make fun of me, but, we all are loved in different ways, I suppose.
Next up, we meet Sandra (75) who shares that she is nervous. She goes on to say that when she’s nervous she has a meditation practice that helps calm her down. She asks if Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) would like to meditate with her. Turns out, this ‘ol biddies’ meditation is taking deep breaths and, to accompany each exhale, saying “fuuuuuckkk” three times in a row. I’m calling it, Sandra is going to be my biddy.
Leslie (64) comes out of the limo with the support of a walker — tennis ball wheels and all — but unfortunately for me, she’s making a joke, because as previously mentioned, a contestant with a walker would be amazing. Once she tosses the walker aside, she rips her fake “old lady” robe off and she’s actually really, really hot. Well, until she claims that she dated Prince (because she’s from Minnesota and in her sixties, so of course she did) AND that because she’s “such an amazing dancer and choreographer” (her words, not mine) Prince, like, the Prince, (apparently) wrote the song, “Sexy Dancer” about her. I thought chicks stopped lying in their 20’s? Either way, she shouldn’t go for this older guy; she should be a Midwestern cougar looking for love from a strapping young(er) man, looking like that.
We quickly learn that Kathy (70) really, really wants to be loved, so she’ll probably go home tonight. People Magazine also shared that she owns geriatric cats and that is a fact so important to all of this, I had to share.
Theresa (69, haha) steps out in a silky black robe, claims it’s her 70th birthday and wants to show Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) her birthday suit. So, she opens her robe to flash him and we see that, “surprise!” she reveals that she is wearing nude Spanx. Dumb. I don’t know if “sexy” gets super weird and frankly not sexy when you’re past 65, but I can’t see that doing it for any male I’ve ever met.
Quick side note from the peanut gallery that is me, but with every new name we learn, I can’t decide if they’re worse than the usual “Caelynn, Braelynn, Ashleigh and Baskin”’s or better. Hard to decide, really.
Someone that looks like a high-end call girl (or should I say woman at her age?) named April (65) waddles out of the limo quacking and clucking because she lives on a farm and I guess she’s trying to be funny? Memorable? She says something forgettable and probably a little slutty, turns around, slaps her own ass and winks as she walks into the nursing home. Mansion, I mean.
Renee (67) found the ugliest sweat suit available for sale (sale being the operative word) and shakes her pom-poms (not a pun, she actually brought pom-poms) while performing an embarrassing cheer she made up specifically for Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name). I hope her flip phone gets text messages and one of her great grandchildren tells her to stop continuing any antics until they approve.
This one deserves a “whoa” big time. Susan. Susan (66) clearly took the red eye from a late night in Vegas, smoking cigarettes and playing roulette as the free Jack and cokes kept-a-comin’. She headed straight from the Burbank airport to the mansion; sequins, push-up bra and last night’s eyeliner still happening. After tripping over her plastic heels, she shows Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) said heels and says, “I’m very comfortable with six inches” and now the next time I go to Vegas I will be on the lookout for the taxi her photo is on.
The only thing that caught my attention long enough to track it when meeting Patty (70) was that she said her son is a former Bachelor. I looked into this and according to the Internet, her son is Matt James (the love of my life) and even though the Internet and reliable media sources agree, I do not believe it. Like, at all. At all, at all. And I may have to talk to my therapist about this.
A FANTASTIC (I don’t take using all caps lightly, so you know I mean it) woman who is like no one that’s ever been on this franchise is next and she’s hilarious. She looks at him and asks, “Are you the unluckiest guy in the world?” We find out that she’s Jimmy Kimmel’s aunt and honestly it makes a lot of sense. I love her. She calls herself, “Chippy” but her name is Concetta. I can’t find her official ABC headshot in a black dress, which actually pisses me off, but you can read more here.
Faith, 60, rides in on a motorcycle (dumb) and said the obvious, “if you leave here with me it will be the ride of your life” (dumb) and with this and the “six inches” comment from Susan, I’m suddenly very curious about old people sex and I have a lot of questions.
I think Viagra missed out on a lucrative advertising opportunity here. Pfizer, if you’re reading, give me a call, we should talk.
Now Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) heads into the mansion and this is usually the part of the night that we see everyone with a glass of champagne, ready to get loose and to “cheers” to a great season. He is drinking orange juice and I am laughing out loud. I applaud anyone that chooses not to drink, but it’s just like such an old man move, it’s funny. I hope the producers did this intentionally. Is this still Mike Fleiss’s show, btw?
April (who slapped her own ass) is the first to take him away from the group and she gives him a calendar that she herself had made. That said, she has changed the name of every month to “April” (ew). For twelve “April’s” she uses a different photo of her dressed up in something fucking weird like a bunny costume or playing with chickens while wearing a very short dress. This is traumatizing. Apologies in advance to my therapist for how much of our next 50 minutes together will be dedicated to The Bachelor franchise.
Natascia (yes that’s how you spell it), (60), is introduced to us a bit later than the aforementioned and she is loud and absolutely hilarious. She has that very cool short hairdo that only like four people in the world can pull off. Three, after her. She tells horrible jokes and laughs at them all. I love her very much.
Faith (the one that rode in on a hog) is now singing and playing the guitar for Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name). I hate that I’m watching this. I hate that she is singing. I hate that she has heart stickers on her guitar. I hate that she brought her own guitar.
Back inside the mansion, and after a few too many orange juices (still laughing at that), they’re all having a dance party, and Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name), has the same moves that I do. If you’ve ever seen me attempt to “dance” you know this is not a good thing.
Whoever this goofy ass host is brings out the first impression rose for Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name), to offer his favorite fox of night one.
Now with an actual dress on her body, Teresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight), reads a letter that “her daughter wrote to her”. I always find this to be so cringy. Like, if I were to write my mom or dad an encouraging note when they’re putting themselves in a wonky situation, and they leveraged it to get laid, that would feel weird to me. Although, thinking about it… a letter from me is generally hilarious and worth sharing.
Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) brings Teresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight) a birthday cupcake with “70” gold candles for her to blow out, and sadly, I think I might be falling in love with Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name). I’d be an excellent sugar baby, if you can still be such a thing at 38. He takes a bite of her cupcake (sadly, not a euphemism) and they make out. Teresa’s weird Spanx trick worked. Bitch.
Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name), gives the hog riding musician the first impression rose, because she “makes him feel very special” and I don’t know what that means. My Starbucks barista makes me feel very special when he remembers my order and I have no plans on marrying him. Even if he were to de-robe in front of me.
While Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) is giving Teresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight) the first impression rose, Jimmy Kimmel’s aunt is asleep on the couch and honestly, “Chippy”, if you’re reading this, I would like to offer you my first impression rose. I can assure you I’m much more fun than Gerry-atric (hahaha I just made that up. See, potential sugar daddy, I’m fun!)
The night is coming to an end, because, well, it’s way past their bedtimes. Which, wait, that means this episode is only an hour-long vs 19 hours, twice a week and now I think I might like the old people version of this horrible show. Or at least the extra two hours I’m getting back each week.
Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) is crying again and its only episode one. Old dudes carry hankies, right?
ELIMINATED
Anna, who was mostly memorable because she looks like she could kick Gerry’s ass; Maria, who I really don’t remember anything about other than her name; Pamela, who was hard to watch because she begged and begged and begged not to be sent home on night one. Patty, the love of my life’s mother. Renee and her pom-poms. And my beloved “Chippy”, Jimmy Kimmel’s aunt, who fell asleep and didn’t actually attend the rose ceremony. I love her.
This episode was then dedicated by ABC to Rhonda who since shooting the premiere has passed away. Rest in peace.
HOMETOWN DATES
To be honest, I have no idea if the format will be the same because, like, if they have hometown visits it’ll have to be with the ladies’ kids/grandkids, right? If that’s the case, and HTV’s are still a thing, I’m going to go with:
- Ellen (Adderall script stealer)
- Leslie (Prince’s former lover)
- Faith (the one that rode in on a hog)
