the golden bachelor recap: episode six.
Welcome back, gold diggers. It’s time for hometowns. I hope you’re prepared for what is to come. Pun intended.
It’s a sacred episode even in the worst of (and there are so many worst of’s) Bachelor(ette) seasons, and this episode is one for fans of all seasons – the fans that love tears; the fans that love run-and-jump hugs; the one’s that love the suitor biffing by saying, “I love you” (ahem, Ben Higgins) when it’s literally in their contract that they can’t until after the final rose.
Alas, hold your hats, kids, we’re going on a wild ride this week – and not just because meeting children and… grandchildren (yep) is an entirely different hangover than that of meeting parents. Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) informs us early on that he has strong feelings for all three women but that he only wants to say “I love you” to one more person in his lifetime.
Oh, Gerry. Gerry, Gerry, Gerry.
First up, we head — on a commercial flight, mind you – to Shrewsbury, New Jersey and Theresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight), in her finest red lipstick has prepared a welcome speech for Gerry where she professes her love. Again. Without him reciprocating.
Gerry and Theresa arrive, hand-in-hand, to meet Mary & Charlotte (Theresa’s sisters), her daughter Jen with husband Matt and “Nana’s” grandkids.
The sisters pull Theresa aside to chat and the only thing I remember from this is that all three of them were drinking water with no ice, which I’d consider a red flag. Or three red flags, I guess.
At the same time, Gerry goes outside to hang with Theresa’s grandsons who make fun of “nana” for always wanting to take selfies with her “duck face” pose. God bless the little ones.
When they get alone time they go to Seaside Heights, which is the Jersey version of the Santa Monica pier. “Another carnival” is basically their love story.
She tells him she loves him on the Ferris wheel and I’m now curious about carnival ride fetishes.
Gerry tells us that he’s in love with Theresa, but didn’t tell her. He wants them to “complete each other” and that statement makes me laugh out loud.
Next up, we’re in Benton City, WA to meet Faith’s (the one that rode in on a hog) family.
They spend a lot of time with her horses which is pretty boring until they start to talk about how they’d have to figure out a mutually agreed upon place to call home. Naturally, Faith wants to be close to her sons in Benton City (which doesn’t really look like much of a city, tbh), and also, her “horse is buried here.” I watched this scene back multiple times to make sure I heard this correctly. This is not the first time Faith has made a throwaway remark that I wish we could devote the extra hour of Bachelor airtime to an explanation thereof.
We are introduced to Faiths friend Joan, her sons Brenden and Nick, her sister Beth and her grandchildren. It’s pretty mundane until we’re back in the living room and sister Beth says, “I can tell you’re in love with Faith,” prompting this exchange:
Faith: Did she just say that out loud?
Gerry: Would you say it out loud?
Faith: I would say it out loud.
Gerry: I love you.
Faith: I love you, too.
Then they smooch in front of the entire family, and everyone is taken aback but tries not to be visibly uncomfortable with it. I don’t have to do that. I am uncomfortable in the most visible way.
“We’re in love with each other! It’s official! We’re a thing!” Faith gushes to the camera, then starts sobbing in her front yard as he drives away to catch the next commercial flight to MSP.
Before landing in Minneapolis, Gerry says, that he says he has three boxes – “a Faith box, a Leslie box and a Theresa box” and I can’t help but find this reference hilarious.
When he and Leslie are back together, we learn that he will be meeting her overprotective brother Stuart, her three children and three grandchildren today.
Leslie (the hot one who claims to have dated Prince) tells him she is in love with him after seeing him with her family. She can’t imagine her life without him. Gerry say’s this could be his future wife and then says he loves her. Oopsie.
Gerry takes another commercial flight, this time back to Burbank to get to the mansion in time for the rose ceremony.
His first rose of the evening goes to our girl Leslie. After picking up the second and last rose for tonight, Gerry starts weeping, wants a minute alone and claims he feels like he’s going to throw up. Get the man his orange juice, Jesse.
Naturally, we are given a “To be Continued” because even with Chris Harrison gone, he still likes to fuck us.
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