the golden bachelor recap: episode four.

Welcome back, gold diggers. Since these episodes have been shortened to one-hour vs. thirty-eight in one night, it only took four episodes for Trista to arrive. I honestly can’t believe she came after Kaitlyn. No pun intended.

Someone claims that Trista is their idol and I can’t remember who it was because I had to have been just hearing things, right?

Trista leaves the weeks group date card for herself to join along with, “most of you here” meaning that whoever isn’t listed on the card gets a one-on-one with Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name).

The date card reads, “Ellen. Sandra. Susan. Nancy. April. Theresa. Kathy. and Faith” which means that Leslie, (the hot one who claims to have dated Prince) gets the one-on-one date. She obviously dances in celebration because that’s what Prince taught her to do with unexpected excitement.

We learn that this date is a Pickleball tournament. The biddies break off into teams of two, but before doing so, a person named Joey – who I think we’re supposed to know, but I definitely do not – is there to help coach and judge. This horns these biddies up immediately, so game on… I guess.

To encourage this budding pleasure, these ladies are also told that the winner of the tournament will be gracing the cover of “In Pickleball Magazine” which I guess is a thing. **searches Muck Rack for readership numbers immediately.

Nancy, (whose name I didn’t know until halfway through episode two) “falls” and breaks her hip… er ankle… or so we think. After leveraging that injury into cuddling with and seeking sympathy from Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name), she gives the camera a wink to let us know she was faking it. At this age, faking it is probably pretty natural for her.

I can’t take this seriously, so all you really need to know is that the twosome of Ellen (Adderall script stealer) and Kathy (who is probably actually Caitlyn Jenner), have dubbed themselves, “Pickleicious” win. To celebrate Ellen (Adderall script stealer) kisses Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) on the lips and then Kathy (who is probably actually Caitlyn Jenner) goes in for sloppy seconds. Ew. Also, I laugh at myself for thinking, “two girls one diaper.”

Back at the mansion, Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) and Sandra (who meditates by cussing while exhaling) step aside and he immediately brings up the fact that Sandra is missing her daughter’s wedding today to be in Malibu vying for Gerry’s love. They try together how to figure out what FaceTime is, so that she can see her daughter on her wedding day. Her daughter seems less than thrilled about this call; almost the same way I do.

Theresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight) wants to talk to Kathy (who is probably actually Caitlyn Jenner) again and I do not miss high school. Kathy is passive aggressive AF and tells her to “zip it”. BURN. Theresa responds by claiming that she was simply sharing her experiences in a way that felt natural and has since tried to be really nice, only for Kathy to start shouting, “Snip it! Just snip it!” (Surely the worst part of this is that Kathy’s catchphrase, Zip it™, is so thoughtlessly misquoted.) Gerry is “disappointed” by this “disturbance,” and though Kathy does her best to defend herself (“I’m not a villain here!” said no one who was about to win the reality show that they’re on), it’s clear that the damage is done.

This rattles Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) so in his thoughtful reflection, he recalls the brilliant insight Trista apparently offered earlier, which is: “Stop looking for the woman you can live with and just look for the one you cannot live without.” Bachelor nation, full of wit and wisdom. Masked by STD’s and threesomes.

Ultimately, Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) gives Sandra (who meditates by cussing while exhaling) the group date rose because she missed her daughter’s wedding. As the kids these days say, this seems like a “red flag”. Like, for the rest of their time together he can say, “you missed your daughter’s wedding for me but you won’t try…(I’ll leave that up to your imagination)”.

For the one-on-one date, Leslie (the hot one who claims to have dated Prince) is dropped off in the desert and waits alone and uncomfortable for like two minutes too long, until Gerry arrives on a four-wheeler and she says, “We’re about to get dirty.” My girl. As they’re four-wheeling I think to myself, “I like the idea of a date where you do things that don’t require talking to each other.”

Back at the mansion, the other biddies are playing “Never have I ever”. With ice cream.

Throughout this “senior” iteration of a telling drinking game, Sandra (who meditates by cussing while exhaling) keeps raising her freak flag but she’s going to regret it because she’s lactose intolerant. April (who slapped her own ass) is also a wild woman and Kathy (who is probably actually Caitlyn Jenner) clearly only knows missionary, on Wednesday nights at 8pm and maybe some fooling around on every other anniversary.

Leslie (the hot one who claims to have dated Prince) and Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) have moved into the hot tub in the middle of a desert portion of their one-on-one. I forgot how much I missed the Bachelor franchise’s commitment to placing hot tubs where they absolutely do not belong, in defiance of the laws of nature. In the hot tub, we are introduced to the enormous lion tattoo on Gerry’s bicep. In the world of reality television recapping, we call this burying the lead. I need to know every single detail of what has gone into this tattoo. When did he get it? Why a lion? Why on his bicep? What is the lion’s name? Can Gerry make it roar? Can Leslie make it roar?

Either way, he gives her a rose that miraculously does not wilt amid all the steam, even as they immediately pivot hard into tongue-smooching.

It’s time for Gerry’s nightly dose of OJ as we begin the cocktail hour before the rose ceremony. Gerry and his OJ have arrived to the cocktail party ready for some more smoochin’ in his best khaki couture.

Gerry takes Susan (who took the red-eye from Vegas) aside and he gifts her a rose quartz. His daughters definitely came up with this idea. He says is symbolizes “empathy and strength” and she cries, which is hilarious, because, irony. This exchange apparently turns them both on, because their smooches include tongue and touching. No space for Jesus any more.

Ellen (Adderall script stealer) is next and she tells Gerry that she is falling in love. To which he responds, “It’s hard I know. And I feel it.” We can also see it’s hard as he goes in for some more tongue, this time with Ellen.

Nancy (whose name I didn’t know until halfway through episode two) has pragmatically come to terms with the fact that she’s not experienced the tongue so she sends herself home.

This makes the other biddies cry and I do not understand why. But I’m rhyming about it, so maybe it’s time for me to join them in their bunks and call it a night.

ELIMINATED

KATHY, who is probably Caitlyn Jenner

APRIL, who slapped her own ass

Gerry wants to walk Kathy out which means he has something profound to say – or that he’s terrified of what she’s going to do when leaving unaccompanied – I’m going with the latter.

ANNNNNND in the limo she says, “Rejection is not fun. I might burn the mansion down before I leave.” Do I know this show or do I know this show?

We learn next week is hometowns and I think I might need an edible for this.

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