the golden bachelor recap: episode five.

Hello again my little gold diggers. We are back in Malibu and I think water aerobics – to the a cappella version of “Hava Nagila” – is what is happening in the pool but I really can’t be sure.

The host, who I actually don’t hate as much tonight tells the remaining six that, “there is going to be a once-in-a-lifetime, magical one-on-one date” and, less enthusiastically, “a really exciting group date” this week, and drops the date card on the table.

The guy who I actually don’t hate as much tonight then reminds them that three women will be getting a hometown date vs. the usual four number they assumed. While assumptions are being made, I assume this is because that would be too much work for Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) and little Gerry to handle, but an ABC executive tweeted that it was because the show is only an hour long. Either way, I’m here for it.

The one-on-one date card reads, “Faith. You make my heart soar. Gerry.” Faith (the one that rode in on a hog) was confused if he meant “soar” or “sore” and I very much wish it were the latter.

I don’t know if it’s because he gets to drive PCH during the daytime hours vs. at night, or if it’s because he’s feeling himself hard in his shiny new Ray Bans, but Gerry looks like a Malibu local on his drive to the mansion.

For this once-in-a-lifetime, magical one-on-one date, Faith (the one that rode in on a hog) is wearing a crop-top and I am HERE FOR THIS. Go, girl.

Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) makes a “the skies the limit” comment so, guess what? They’re hopping on a helicopter. He calls her babe and this makes my heart “sore” (get it?)  because I hoped there was an age limit to “babe” being a pet-name. Ew.

They land on a boat in front of the Santa Monica Pier. There is champagne and smooching until Faith (the one that rode in on a hog) opens up about her past in a healthy and articulate way, which has to be confusing for the camera crew and producers because, in Bachelor Nation, a sentence is not a sentence unless the word “like” is used over 57 times per minute.

Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) gives her the rose, meaning that she is one of three hometown dates.

This exchange leads them into the hot tub that’s on the boat, of course, and this reminds me that I still have questions about the large lion tattoo on Gerry’s arm.

The group date (Theresa, Leslie, Ellen, Sandra, Susan) is at the Santa Monica Pier and as someone that lived merely blocks away from this circus for many years, the pier for a date is lazy. It’s like, “hey, I don’t really want to spend any money or have meaningful conversation, but you can’t complain because we’re on a date at the beach in California.”

Basically, on this date, every one cries.

Theresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight) wants is laying it on way too thick, especially for the Santa Monica Pier. They make out like they haven’t felt another mouth in 20 years…

Gerry is horned up for Leslie (the hot one who claims to have dated Prince) but she gets emotional and ruins the mood. Although, while leaning into his hearing aids, she says, “I’m falling in love with you” and Gerry tells her and her hearing aids, “You’re my girl” which is a different reaction than, “that’s nice of you to say” which is Gerry’s go-to.

Collectively, this is the most tears that have been shed at an amusement park without the involvement of either a missing child or a catastrophic rollercoaster-getting-stuck accident. Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) is so overwhelmed by the decision ahead of him that he decides not to give out a group-date rose at all — he needs another day to think it over.

The tears continue into the rose ceremony and I hope there’s some orange juice waiting for Gerry because dehydration is real.

ELIMINATED

Ellen, (Adderall script stealer)

Sandra, (who meditates by cussing while exhaling)

Susan, (who took the red-eye from Vegas and is probably racing to Burbank to get on the next flight back tbh)

HOMETOWN DATES

I have to do some reading before next week because I have no idea where any of these people are from or what they do for a living.

Faith, (the one that rode in on a hog)

Leslie, (the hot one who claims to have dated Prince)

Theresa, (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight)

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