the golden bachelor recap: episode 3.

Welcome back, gold diggers. It’s episode three which in this franchise tends to mean that the drama is about to start. What does drama look like after 60? I think we are about to find out.

Some things never change. As predicted, the episode begins with a clip of Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) alone and sobbing. Like clockwork on the vintage watches wrapped around the wrists of this elderly community, the drama has arrived.

Ten seconds in and I can already tell you Theresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight), is going to be the leading lady of the dramatics because she is looking for any and every one that will listen to her talk about her “connection” with Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name).

Leslie (the hot one who claims to have dated Prince) shares my sentiments and predicts that there will be drama. So basically, Leslie is me in 40 years – great at reading a room and also super hot.

Outside, Kathy (who is probably actually Caitlyn Jenner) shares that she had some of the other women have formed a “group”, for what it is not clear. Maybe some light shit-talking? Swapping stories about their great grandchildren’s’ accomplishments? She goes on to share that she’s created an anagram for the group combining A for April, S for Susan, K for Kathy, N for Nancy giving us “ASKN”. They even have a motto, Kathy informs us, which is: “You’re askin’, we’re tellin’.” I do have some questions. First, who is doing the asking? Is it Gerry? The other women? The viewers at home? And what exactly are they telling him, or them, or us? I must know.

The guy I don’t like comes in to tell them women that the first date this week is a “super fun group date, starting now… with all of you!” Ew.

Side note: Has anyone else noticed that the guy I don’t like speaks to these women as though they actually are in a nursing home? Like, turn the volume and hand gestures down, sir.

Joan (who looks like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds) shares that she wants to throw up because she has no talents. Definitely not something you should tell a guy you may be sleeping with in the future.

Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) is wearing a button up shirt, except he’s got that shirt very unbuttoned. He also has some face scruff going on. I’m kinda into it, to be honest. You’re silver foxin’ me, Gerry.

Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) tells the ladies that he’s brought a friend and Kaitlyn Bristowe is here to judge. Something she is very good at. And that’s the last dig at KB because girlfriend has been through it this year.

The winner gets a romantic dinner with Gerry.

My girl Sandra (who meditates by cussing while exhaling) is first, announcing that she’ll be performing stand-up comedy. Excellent. Sandra’s version of stand-up involves not so much standing but more marching around the stage with her hands on her hips. She tells a long joke about women spending various amounts of money, and my brain shuts down because I’m concerned this is a math riddle. It turns back on when she yells, “BIG BOOBS” and then grabs her own. My girl.

Faith (the one that rode in on a hog) plays a shitty song about Gerry (again); Nancy (whose name I didn’t know until halfway through episode two) does something (non-sexual, unfortunately) with whipped cream that I don’t understand but that is nevertheless exciting to those in attendance. April (who slapped her own ass) sort of shimmies around, in some kind of robe (how many robes does this calendar centerfold own?) snapping her fingers and shouting motivationally at the crowd: “We have power! We are loved!” I hope this is exactly what her therapy sessions are like.

Leslie, (the hot one who claims to have dated Prince) is in her element. She pulls Gerry on stage for a PG-rated lap dance that climaxes in her surprising him with a plate of cookies seemingly out of nowhere: “I bake too,” she says, feeding him one. Leslie understood the assignment. Her routine is perfectly calibrated between genuinely impressive and silly, hot and wholesome. And yet, criminally, she loses. More and more, I find myself thinking that if Leslie doesn’t have the final rose coming her way, she will make a solid choice for the inaugural Golden Bachelorette.

Oh, Joan. Joan, Joan, Joan. We’re shown like 37 clips of Joan (who looks like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds) telling us how she doesn’t have any talents, how nervous she is, and how uncomfortable she feels being made to perform.

Lo and behold, she recites a self-deprecating poem that she’s dubbed, “I Just Hope I Don’t Vomit on Your Shoes” and it’s actually very good. Like so good I’m probably going to steal it when I seduce Gerry, tbh. He probably won’t remember she wrote it, anyway.

With her magnificent poetry skills, Joan (who looks like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds) secures her seat at the dinner table with hot Gerry.

Basically, Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) liked that she put herself out there at the talent show. Joan (who looks like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds) likes that he’s “super handsome” and then, in not so many words (literally), she basically asks Gerry the last time he’s penetrated.

Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) toasts to the future, because he’s already seemingly in love. He doesn’t say that, but hut his horny eyes after her implicated question, definitely do.

He then offers Joan (who looks like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds) the rose, she accepts and they smooch. I feel like that’s the appropriate term for seniors making out.

Back at the mansion/nursing home, Joan is on the phone with her daughter who recently had a c-section that apparently had some unexpected complications.

After the call, Joan returns to the ladies who can tell right away that something is wrong, so she shares that she has to “go and be a mom” and is leaving the experience. This makes me feel a lot of things.

Cue Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) who looks like he just got laid – glowing, smiling, a new hairdo – heads to the foxhole where he is greeted by Joan (who looks like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds) who has to share her bad news. She is going home to be a mom. Gerry cries (again) and tells her that he woke up so thrilled he danced out of bed. I would like to see that, Gerry. Still waiting for you slide into my DM’s.

Also, this is all I need to see to know that they definitely banged.

Once Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) has “processed this (Joan leaving) and moved on” (that was quick, pal) we learn that today’s one-on-one date is with Ellen (Adderall script stealer). Ellen is greeted by fashion designer Michael Costello who takes her to pick out a prom dress and jewelry for her night with Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name). She opts for a hot pink number with a Carrie Bradshaw-esque bow and hair that needs some major work.

They head to what I assume from the shot is the Palisades and sit on a bench. The first question she asks is about what his wedding day was like. This is like me asking a first date how he lost his virginity before the server has even greeted us. Not a great idea, El.

Gerry tells her she looks great, but that she’s missing one thing. I assume he is going to tell her she’s missing some anti-frizz serum, but instead it’s a pair of Neil Lane earrings. I can only be certain that this is a regift as these were likely something a 22-year-old former contestant left behind in a haste after being broken up with. Neil Lane jewelry is a dime a dozen in Bachelor Nation.

Naturally, there’s a hot air balloon ride and the smooching (old people making out) continues.

Now it’s 4pm, so the ladies are very much ready for the rose ceremony before bed.

Theresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight), with her tits out, is still going on and on and on and on and on and on about her connection with Gerry. This pisses Kathy (who is probably actually Caitlyn Jenner) off. Enough that she storms off at the pace of Bruce Jenner when he won the Olympic gold medal.

Gerry and his orange juice are back for the rose ceremony.

Kathy (who is probably actually Caitlyn Jenner) takes him aside and uses this time to cry and narc on the other ladies in the house. It’s literally like this show is scripted, no matter the age of the participants. Surprising to no one, the tears earn her a rose. The equation here is basically the same as when you get pulled over for speeding – cry and you’ll get what you want.

When Kathy (who is probably actually Caitlyn Jenner) returns to the others, Theresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight) asks her if they can talk and while she tries to cover her Spanx being revealed by the slit in her dress, Kathy makes Theresa cry – I’m telling you; these women have the tear move down.

Kathy tells the camera, “I can’t tell if she’s dumb as a rock or if she knows exactly what she’s doing” and that should be the subtitle to every Bachelor season since Alex Michael.

Gerry (lol, of course that’s his name) finds Theresa (who tried, unsuccessfully, to be sexy at first sight), crying and he’s just as annoyed as I am at this drama because it’s exhausting. I wish someone else would have been cast as the villain because Kathy and her scoliosis is too much.

Gerry talks to the women at the rose ceremony like he’s scolding his children and honestly, it’s kinda hot.

ELIMINATED:

Edith (who told a sex joke right out of the limo)

Christina (literally no recollection of this woman)

Takeaways from this episode: Theresa is annoying AF and Kathy is the absolute worst. I love Joan and I’m sad she decided to go home, but also very happy her daughter has a good mom.

Send me all of your thoughts on Instagram or Twitter (I will always call it Twitter. Sorry, Musk). I want to hear everything. See you next week!